Seven Basic Principles

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

Every Great Marriage Is a Self-Centered Marriage, because a great marriage takes two centered selves, working to develop themselves as individuals capable of living up to their vows and sharing of themselves for the others’ benefit, without needing the other partner to return the favor. And …

If You’re Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection, because the greatest barriers to true connection with your spouse are not busy schedules or incompatible interests. The greatest barrier to real connection is your own “screaming,” your own emotional reactivity. Thus, learning to pause and think clearly is the absolute first, and best, step toward true intimacy. And …

It’s Not What You Have in Common, It’s What You Have Inside, because reliance on common interests and compatibility is the foundation for a superficial friendship, whereas reliance on personal integrity in the midst of constant change is the foundation for a deep, lasting marriage. And …

The Only Communication Skill You Need to Learn Is Authentic Self-Representation (ASR), because connection is not about using some artificial active listening technique. True connection is about fully representing your self (your thoughts, your preferences, your positions, your intentions) in word and action so that, at the very least, your partner has a chance to know you. And …

It’s Better to Get “Rubbed the Wrong Way” than Never to Get Rubbed at All, because in-your-face conflict is always a better path to true intimacy than cold avoidance, especially if you want to experience truly heartfelt connection (and possibly even mind-blowing, scream-filled sex). And …

If You Want a Warm Marriage, You Have to Walk through Fire, because every couple in every culture throughout history has had to negotiate several natural fires of commitment, and those partners who can keep their cool and walk through each fire with cool integrity have the best chance of creating a truly warm, close relationship. And …

Intimacy Always Begins with an “I,” because taking the risk of boldly pursuing your partner with your truest self, your deepest feelings and desires—in short, your “I”—is the only way to the close, naked, and even spiritual intimacy we all crave.

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