I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “
So, if you and I are both married, then why are we still searching for help? Family, history, and culture have told us that marriage is the ultimate answer to our longing. Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with the nature of our particular marriages, or is there something wrong with marriage itself? Is there something that is still preventing us from experiencing and enjoying the kind of connection we all crave most?
Well, if I may be so bold, yes. There is something wrong. And that’s what this whole book is about.
The answer is this: We all scream too much. We’re either screaming at our spouses on the outside, or screaming at ourselves on the inside. We scream because we react to the anxiety of the relationship and the anxiety of the moment. We scream in marriage because we don’t know how else to handle the inherent differences between us. We want to be close to someone, so we get married. We then want to get closer to that person because we think that by doing so we’ll eliminate the anxiety brought on by our differences. The irony is, however, that when we get anxious about being distant, we scream, and screaming doesn’t make us closer; it makes us even more distant. Of course, the opposite is true as well. Demanding our space in reaction to a sense of too much closeness doesn’t work in marriage, either. In fact, it usually backfires, creating an anxious closeness that actually feels suffocating.
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