Relationship difficulties 8/1/20.
Avoid talking about storms until after the storm.
It’s not the topic but the timing of the conversation
Silence is the best response to signs of emotional instability.
Are you OK? should be safe to ask.
If she’s upset with me, that’s when she is most trying to avoid talking about it, she “doesn’t want to hurt me.”
“My tone of voice can hurt you.”
Why do you feel that hurts me? “Nothing I feel safe to share with you. (Hidden negative criticism?)
We’re getting close to needing to stop.”
1. UNTHINKING DAMAGE. Like the weather, it just happens. Emotional storms. Tornadoes. Unwilling to take in information, examine feelings and behavior, using harm to control others. Damage is never analyzed and plans for safety are never made.
Kim says she is always ready to analyze when the storm is over. (BS – she never does.)
2. MARRIAGE IS GOD’S WAY OF FORCING PEOPLE TO GROW UP.
Marriage brings the perfect teacher to me to force me to deal with my issues. Dealing with my issues will be painful for me.
2.3 Angry abandonment
2.4 Blame and shame.
2.5 My passive, codependent soothing response to abusive anger.
2.6 My sexuality (see #5)
3. DON’T PULL THE PIN ON THE GRENADE. = Avoid behavior that sets Kim into an amygdala hijack.
3.1 I will have nothing to do with your therapy. This will make our life worse and work against therapy succeeding, but it is a boundary violation for you that leads to an allergic self-protection reaction of harm to me. Twice now. No more.
3.2 This means that I will have zero contact or communication with your therapist, whether you are present or not, as you seem to have two issues: 1. My “controlling” your therapy … this is what you speak of happening. By simply providing information. 2. You desire a level of privacy in order to feel to feel safe that approaches secrecy. And this is not secrecy of me knowing what you might say, but secrecy of protecting you from my information in a context where the therapist might “use it on you.” Facing this persecution, I decline to participate.
3.3 Further, I reserve the right to refuse to discuss your therapy with you as it can lead to an unthinking defensive reaction on your part, and I can’t trust you to not harm me.
4. TRUST AND AFFECTION MUST BE REESTABLISHED WHEN LOST. And sowing to them will rapidly work. Until then you are not a safe person to be with. I do not have a lack of confidence in myself, I have a lack of confidence in you.
4.1 Your behavior has brought this about, stimulating my betrayal circuitry.
4.2 My past has likely made me oversensitive to slights, neglect and abandonment.
5. SEX: I personally view our sex life as a massive betrayal and harm to me. This goes back to Debi, so it is not about you – it’s a lifetime problem for me – except for you being the latest chapter of my ongoing soap opera.
6. COUNTERACTING MY CODEPENDENCY means not letting me avoid my problems by focusing on yours or those of others. This means a deliberate selfish focus and taking responsibility for my own issues and emotions.
7. AGGRESSION. When I review the PTSD responses, the only one that harms me is aggression, anger to enforce distance. As this happens when I’m trying to help, and involves the criticism of an amygdala hijack, I am wrongly accused and seen as a villain, which results in my desire to explain through intensifying aggression leading up to my defensiveness. The point of the aggression is to force me to back off from pushing change; it is defensive and triggers past abuse experiences for her. “I am too close.”
AMYGDALA HIJACK is victim perception leading to negative assumptions triggering a defensive response; these negative assumptions cannot be questioned, corrected or challenged as that triggers more negative assumptions and the process escalates. She is playing both victim and defender in the Karpmann drama triangle.
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