Category Archives: aRunkel

If we were truly the same, then there’d be no magic, no mystery behind the life-changing connection that can truly be called “becoming one.”

But that is just no way to live. Even though we tried, it couldn’t last. Thankfully, we made it through the tough transition from forced sameness to balanced oneness. We learned that Bono from U2 was right, “We’re one, but … Continue reading

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Rabbi Edwin Friedman: “The reason why most couples separate is because they were unable to separate.”

Oneness Means Having No Boundaries, No Separation, No Individuality. Perhaps my favorite quote about marriage comes from Rabbi Edwin Friedman: “The reason why most couples separate is because they were unable to separate.” Edgy, playful, and right on the money, … Continue reading

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There’s a powerful tendency in long-term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable.

In her excellent book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel associates our quest for security with a deadening of passion: There’s a powerful tendency in long-term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. Yet eroticism thrives on the unpredictable. Desire … Continue reading

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Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility,

It is not your spouse’s job to meet these “needs” any more than it’s your spouse’s job to take care of your physical body. Getting the validation you seek is your responsibility, and true validation is not something you seek … Continue reading

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Of course, as we’re looking to our spouse to continue that magical validating experience,

Of course, as we’re looking to our spouse to continue that magical validating experience, our spouse is looking to us to provide the exact same thing. That’s why it’s so easy to fall into patterns of complete emotional dependence on … Continue reading

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Each of us has played a major role in perpetuating the negative patterns we complain about.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “ When we begin to willingly focus on … Continue reading

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Then he spoke. Softly, but surely. “Let’s be careful right now.”

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “ It was exactly in such a moment, … Continue reading

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The most powerful force you can introduce into your marriage is the simple power of calm.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “ The most powerful force you can introduce … Continue reading

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You don’t want to change your spouse, you want your spouse to want to change.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “ You don’t want to change your spouse, … Continue reading

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… you have to learn to focus on yourself.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “ But applying this model of relating with … Continue reading

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