our growing ability to connect through technology has not lessened our anxiety about being disconnected; it’s magnified it exponentially.

Every Great Marriage Is a Self-Centered Marriage

Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it’s the time when they most need to think. –BILL CLINTON

Apparently, Facebook and all the other exploding social-networking sites know me pretty well. The same goes for my cell provider. What they all seem to know about me is that I have an intense craving. I have a deep longing for something, something that I’m not always fully aware of. But all these companies know what I want. They call it by one name. Connection. We human beings crave this thing called connection.

Connection. In so many ways, we as people and as a society are experiencing more “connection” than ever. So why is it that, despite all this connection, we still crave even more? I believe that our growing ability to connect through technology has not lessened our anxiety about being disconnected; it’s magnified it exponentially.

P. 7-8 Runkel

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The greatest enemy we all face in our marriage: emotional reactivity.

Screaming is the term I use to describe the greatest enemy we all face in our marriage: emotional reactivity. That’s a big, clinical expression to describe the process of letting our anxious emotions override our clear thinking. Getting emotionally reactive means allowing our worst fears or worries to drive our choices, instead of our highest principles. And whenever we allow ourselves to be driven by our anxiety, we usually create the very outcome we were hoping to avoid in the first place.

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QUOTE: 

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NOTE – What does it say?

DISCERNMENT QUESTIONS
What gets your attention?
What human needs or problems are addressed?
What questions do you have?
What solution or hope does it offer?

What does it say that we need to obey?
What would a camera see if this happened?
Who needs to hear this?
What are the actual steps that I would take?

SOURCE – Footnotes:

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 All Scripture quotations are from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Please review the page How and Why We Use Quotes.
Key: cat#  Last Revision: 10/05/2020

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The answer is this: We all scream too much.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

So, if you and I are both married, then why are we still searching for help? Family, history, and culture have told us that marriage is the ultimate answer to our longing. Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with the nature of our particular marriages, or is there something wrong with marriage itself? Is there something that is still preventing us from experiencing and enjoying the kind of connection we all crave most?

Well, if I may be so bold, yes. There is something wrong. And that’s what this whole book is about.

The answer is this: We all scream too much. We’re either screaming at our spouses on the outside, or screaming at ourselves on the inside. We scream because we react to the anxiety of the relationship and the anxiety of the moment. We scream in marriage because we don’t know how else to handle the inherent differences between us. We want to be close to someone, so we get married. We then want to get closer to that person because we think that by doing so we’ll eliminate the anxiety brought on by our differences. The irony is, however, that when we get anxious about being distant, we scream, and screaming doesn’t make us closer; it makes us even more distant. Of course, the opposite is true as well. Demanding our space in reaction to a sense of too much closeness doesn’t work in marriage, either. In fact, it usually backfires, creating an anxious closeness that actually feels suffocating.

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/1uPSayp

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Producers and advertisers know exactly what we all desire most, and it is all about intense, romantic connection.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

The second way we can tell that all of us still crave connection is by just watching TV. Producers and advertisers know exactly what we all desire most, and it is all about intense, romantic connection. Think about it. Why buy a particular deodorant? Why else watch a ridiculous reality show about contrived mate selections? Why take a blue pill and risk a four-hour erection? Connection.

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/eF4ndKB

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The vast majority of both men and women report an equally strong desire for a close, emotional connection.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

But also know this. If you’re having these concerns, and any of these concerns bother you, then you can be sure of one thing: You do still want connection. And I believe your spouse still wants it, too. We all want it. How do we know this? First of all, look at the latest research, which coincides with my clinical experience as a marriage and family therapist. The vast majority of both men and women report an equally strong desire for a close, emotional connection. That’s right: Men report a strong, emotional connection as their main desire. You may find that hard to believe, thinking that all men want is a prostitute and a maid rolled into one, but the evidence is clear. Why else would all these men still be getting remarried, even after horrible divorces, even after finding out that second and third marriages fail at a rate of 60–70%? Why else would all the research say that married men are happier, have greater financial success, and live longer?

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/c3BAjzg

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all you have to do in order to build and enjoy the close marriage you’ve always craved is Calm Down, Grow Up, and Get Closer.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

The truth is this: You do not have to say all the right things at all the right times in order to have a great marriage. You do not have to know your spouse inside and out and sacrifice your life in order to meet his/her needs. As you will see, all you have to do in order to build and enjoy the close marriage you’ve always craved is Calm Down, Grow Up, and Get Closer.

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/gBeetp0

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If you want a warm, lasting marriage, you have to learn to keep your cool.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

If you want a warm, lasting marriage, you have to learn to keep your cool.

In The Self-Centered Marriage, “keeping your cool” does not refer to simple anger-management techniques or artificial rules of engagement (fighting fair). No, becoming ScreamFree in your marriage refers to something far more optimistic. Here, keeping your cool means discovering and holding on to your truest self, your “I”—and having the courage to openly pursue your truest desires—even in the midst of your greatest conflicts. It means willingly and calmly facing the natural fires of marital commitment, and actually growing up—and getting closer—through them.

Entering into such conflicts with integrity is not an easy task; it’s not supposed to be. Developing a marriage built on passion, commitment, and deep connection means committing yourself to a new way of relating. It means keeping your cool as you face conflicts with your spouse that may have previously set you off in some form of “screaming.” Being self-centered, being “ScreamFree” means holding on to your deepest desires for connection and boldly making yourself vulnerable … without knowing how your spouse will respond. It means viewing old marital patterns through new lenses, no longer seeing those patterns as indications of irreconcilable differences, but rather as opportunities to grow your personal integrity and transform your relationship. It’s not a journey for timid spirits, but the rewards are certainly worth the struggle.

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/5hAbGfn

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Part of this maturity process, this growing up, means growing honest with yourself and all your feelings and experiences.

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

Part of this maturity process, this growing up, means growing honest with yourself and all your feelings and experiences. And when we’re honest about our marriages, we have to admit that most of us have a lot in common. As we get and stay married, we all begin to realize the following: Whoa, my spouse and I really are two different people; This is harder than I thought it would be; No matter how hard I try, conflict is unavoidable, and, perhaps: If I want to see a change here, I’m probably going to have to initiate it myself. The problem is not coming to those realizations about yourself. As you already know just by picking up a book called The Self-Centered Marriage, I believe that calmly focusing on yourself and your true feelings is the first step toward creating the relationship you really want. The problem comes when those of us who eventually recognize these truths do so with a great amount of confusion and resentment. We recognize these truths, but we do not want to accept them, because, darn it all, it’s not supposed to be like this! We’re supposed to be compatible! We’re supposed to get along! We’re supposed to see problems from the same standpoint, and handle them the same way, and no one person should ever feel more responsible for making it better! Right?

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/5VM6EU7

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Being married … requires us to develop a level of maturity that few other experiences in life can match

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

Yep, almost everyone wants to get married. Very few of us, however, want to really be married. Being married, being really married, asks more of us than any movie could ever show onscreen. In truth, not even premarital counseling, or watching our own parents have a fantastic relationship, could adequately prepare us. Being married—being truly married for life—requires us to develop a level of maturity that few other experiences in life can match—a maturity characterized by intense vulnerability, generous amounts of forgiveness, and undying patience. And that’s all just in the first year! (And, of course, every year thereafter.)

As the years add up, marriage quickly stops feeling like a rom-com and starts feeling like a sitcom. “Marriage is like a never-ending, unfunny episode of Everybody Loves Raymond,” says a character in Knocked Up. Sometimes, it’s even worse, like an episode of Roseanne.

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Your integrity is that part of you that carries the greatest potential for profound, love-affirming, and life-changing decisions

I thought of you when I read this quote from “The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your “We” by Reclaiming Your “I”” by Hal Edward Runkel, Jenny Runkel – “

Your integrity is the part of you that speaks loudest when you’re quiet, informing you of your most deeply held principles and the most passionate dreams for your life. This is the part of you that said, “I do,” and it’s the part that wants you to keep saying it (or at least wants to want you to keep saying it). Your integrity is that part of you that carries the greatest potential for profound, love-affirming, and life-changing decisions, and because of that, it is to your integrity that I am trying to speak most clearly. I am writing this book directly to your integrity, because your integrity knows that life and marriage are difficult, and that no growth in life or marriage can happen without clarity, challenge, and truth. Your integrity also knows what you want most, and the very fact that you’re reading this book testifies to your deepest dream: You want to experience a great marriage, one that offers warmth, maturity, peace, connection, and intimacy unlike anything you’ve ever experienced or enjoyed.

” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/2B9Ncdm

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